It’s been awhile

Hey y’all! It’s been a hot minute since I’ve written a blog post. I have this weird relationship with blogging. It’s like I always set out to write and update, and I’ve started writing quite a few in the past few months, but something in me always stops me. I always end up convincing myself that the post isn’t good enough, or that no one will want to hear what I have to say. That’s a pretty common theme in my life, actually. I’ve always been very quiet. Always just in the background listening, but never saying how I feel, or what I think. In fact my parents often say that I’m their easy kid, but they get worried because I never let them know how I feel. It’s not like I don’t have important thoughts or emotions. Something in me is just so opposed to speaking them. And I have found myself being very comfortable with not saying anything, which isn’t a very good habit. 

This aspect has made me really good at listening to other people and I give the little nods or the occasional light comment. But it has also been one of my biggest struggles if i’m being real. If y’all couldn’t already tell, I’m an enneagram 9. The peacemakers who have a lot going on inside that they never show. I’ve found a lot of truth and identity in my number, because I’ve never felt more understood than when I started reading about 9’s. My whole life I’ve been around extroverts who don’t mind bending my ear and talking about everything under the sun, which I love, but this made it harder to speak out myself. And could create a lot of tension in relationships when I would tell them something that was important to me, and they would seemingly brush it off, or use it as an opportunity for them to talk more about themselves. I had never known a community of people like me who had a hard time speaking their mind. And this community of people that I found has shown me how important and valuable I am, even when I convince myself otherwise. It has made me want to grow, and be more authentic with the people I love, which can be very hard sometimes.  

So recently, I’ve been working on myself, and trying to express myself more. Even in little ways. This blog update is one of those ways. I am going to put out this blog no matter what, because my thoughts have value! Learning this has been such a process. Trying to push myself, even through uncomfortable situations, to speak my piece. And I won’t lie, the process has been hard! And there are still a lot of times where I don’t speak up, but the little steps are important. Trying to break old habits, and finding & using the voice that the Lord gave me! Yes being quiet and reserved is necessary at times, but so is speaking out! 

I know this story may not be one that everyone can relate to, but I believe that everyone has something like this. Some belief in their head that is simply not true. I sincerely hope that everyone reading this starts to grow against those thoughts. You are unique in your own way, and that is so beautiful! I am so thankful for a God who so wonderfully crafted each person, and I hope that anyone struggling finds their true worth and beauty in the Lord! In speech, self image, faith. Whatever it is, find your truth and beauty in the Lord!

– gabby